Tip--Understand that how you think about your teen's behavior determines your feelings and reactions to it. This you can change.

Life with adolescents can be wonderful and very challenging at the same time. Teens are gaining skills and abilities in leaps and bounds, yet much of their behavior is, well, objectionable. Parents are called upon to love, guide, and manage the behavior of teens. Yet, how can they do this when it seems every day the adolescent offends in a hundred different ways? "If you find yourself relying on criticism, anger, and punishment to manage your teen," comments Louise Tracy, middle school counselor and author of Grounded for Life?! Stop Blowing Your Fuse and Start Communicating with Your Teenager, "then I'd point out that continually high expectations and regular criticism are not conducive to the rearing of self-motivated children."

Tools--Tracy recommends the following techniques for improving your daily relationship with your adolescent.

• Adopt a positive first-contact approach with your teen. Look for the smallest part of the child's effort you can appreciate. Describe what you see, talk about how you feel, and why. For example, say to the child day-dreaming, "When I see you sitting at your desk, pencil in hand, I feel so glad to know you're ready to do your homework." Or, when you walk in the door and find a messy, flour-covered kitchen, you could say, "Mmmmm. I smell something delicious" instead of, "Who made this mess?"

  

• Delay asking for further effort. Even when we remember to find something positive to say at first, many of us follow it up with a criticism--"Thanks for cleaning the garage, but you forgot to sweep the floor." The request for further effort negates the positive message you started out with. Let's say your fifteen year old "cleans" her room by stuffing everything in the closet. You can respond with a touch of humor, "I just love to see the floor in here!" and smile. The next day you can gently point out the closet's overflow.

• Look for ways to turn a "no" into a "yes." Instead of instantly denying a teen's request, say, "Let's see if we can make this work." Tell her what information you will need--the names of the friends she'll be with, what adult supervision will be present, time she'll be back--whatever is relevant. Try hard to negotiate a way for it to work. Many teen ideas become workable once parents put conditions on the activity and help plan.

You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in Grounded for Life?! Stop Blowing Your Fuse and Start Communicating with Your Teenager by Louise Felton Tracy, M.S.

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