Tip—Responding unexpectedly to hurtful comments can defuse an argument.

You’ve raised them since they were infants; fed and clothed them; stood by them during tantrums; taught them everything from how to use the toilet to ride a bike to learning the multiplication tables; you’ve sacrificed waistline, sleep, time, and good temper—and now your twelve year old informs you you’re a rotten parent?

Granted, parenting has felt thankless before, but when your tween (or older) makes deliberately unkind or insulting comments about the job you’re doing, it can really hurt. A friend of mine approached me with just this problem recently. Her 13-year-old daughter has taken to spouting mean comments about her mother’s parenting whenever a conflict arises. “She’ll tell me I’m a rotten mom and that everyone else in the family thinks so too. It doesn’t help when I send her to her room,” she says, “it just continues behind closed doors. After a while, she’s over it and acts like nothing has happened. But I feel horrible.”

Tools—There are likely a few things going on in this picture. First, it’s important to understand that the developmental task of adolescence is to separate from one’s parents. The way it sometimes manifests in your youngsters (i.e., personal attacks) isn’t always pretty. Try to remember that it isn’t really that personal, even though it may be expressed very personally.

It helps to respond to a highly-emotional youngster with extreme calm. Middle school counselor, Louise Tracy, author of Grounded for Life?! advises taking the wind out of the child’s sails by agreeing with the statement. She notes that if you can find even one part of the inflammatory remark to agree with, it often helps defuse the conflict. For example:

This conversation could go on for a while, depending on the child’s persistence, the issues, and the mom’s patience. But notice how the mom always agrees with her daughter? That agreement goes a long ways toward acknowledging the daughter’s feelings, which can then meet her need for attention and parent involvement (the way a more negative and emotional argument has previously been doing). The unexpected agreement from mom also serves to keep the argument from escalating and everyone from making hurtful remarks (which can stick around in memory for a long time).

More on this issue next week.

You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in Grounded for Life?! Stop Blowing Your Fuse and Start Communicating with Your Teenager by Louise Felton Tracy, M.S.

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