Tip—Children who are raised by parents who value and consciously guide emotions tend to handle their moods better and rebound from difficult emotions and events with greater resiliency.

Research shows us, time and again, that how we express and cope with our feelings has a big impact on our children. First, they must live with and respond to us, but second, and perhaps more importantly, they receive their most fundamental teaching about emotions from our daily parenting. Anyone who has been parenting for more than a day or so knows that it’s no walk in the park. In other words, a certain amount of emotional maturity is definitely required.

Parenting Press’ newest title, What Am I Feeling? by John Gottman, Ph.D., profiles common parenting styles with regard to guiding children emotionally. It is helpful to look at which styles we tend to use and then to reflect on how these attitudes and practices affect our children. A brief summary is below.

• The Dismissing Style. Sometimes parents will dismiss a child’s uncomfortable emotion —“Stop crying and get over it” or “Don’t be sad you can’t see Grandma today—she’s coming to visit in two weeks. You’ll see her then.” Adults do this because they either don’t think the child’s feeling is important, or because they have no better idea of how to help. “Fixing” a child’s problem to stop an emotion falls under the same “dismissing” style—for example, when your child drops an ice-cream cone and you quickly give him your own to distract him from being upset. The trouble with dismissing emotions or quickly fixing them is that children learn that feeling sad or angry shouldn’t happen. They may also be discouraged from bringing their sad and angry feelings to you.

• The Disapproving Style. This is when a parent disapproves of or punishes a child for having sad or angry feelings. It sounds like, “There’s no reason to be sad” or, “Stop that crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” The problem with this approach is that no one can switch off emotions at will. Trying to force children to turn them off can be harmful. Children learn that there is something “wrong” with them for having feelings, have trouble regulating their own emotions and solving problems, and grow up with less self-esteem.

• The Laissez-Faire Style. This is the parent who encourages a child to express any and all emotions with no guidance or limits on behavior. Although accepting emotions is good, children also need guidance in understanding them and limits on how they may express them. Children who don’t get this guidance grow up having trouble calming themselves down when they are upset, have trouble concentrating and miss many social cues from others.

Next week we will look at Gottman’s recommendation for a healthy emotional coaching style of parenting.

You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in What Am I Feeling? by John Gottman, Ph.D.

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