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Parenting Press®Who’s in charge of feelings
Emotional Responsibility
Most parents want their children to be in charge of their feelings. However, many parents unknowingly model blaming others for their feelings. Check whether you’re letting your kids control how you feel.
Read each sentence below and decide who’s in charge. If the parent is taking full responsibility for his or her own feelings, circle P. If the parent puts the child is in charge of his or her feelings, circle the C. (Extra Credit: How would you rewrite the sentence to put the parent in charge?)
P / C 1. If you don’t go to bed now, you will make me very sad.
P / C 2. I feel angry when I ask you to hand up your coat and you don’t do it.
P / C 3. I told you not to turn on the TV. You turned it on anyway. You made me angry.
P / C 4. You set the table without asking. I am happy you remembered.
P / C 5. You’ve made me so happy. Thank you for the valentine.
P / C 6. I feel frustrated when you leave all your toys on the floor.
P / C 7. When you do something that I have told you not to do, you make me feel angry.
Possible answers:
1. Child in charge. Rewrite: “Go to bed now.”
2. Parent in charge.
3. Child in charge. Rewrite: “I am angry that you turned the TV on when I asked you not to.”
4. Parent in charge.
5. Child in charge. Rewrite: “I felt happy when I read the valentine from you.”
6. Parent in charge.
7. Child in charge. Rewrite: “I feel angry when you do something I have told you not to do.”
Adapted from Dealing with Disappointment: Helping Kids Cope When Things Don’t Go Their Way, by Elizabeth Crary, M.S.
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